Demystifying 'Gaslighting': Understanding the Misused Therapy Buzzword and Its Real Implications

Alleged text exchanges raise concerns about the misuse of "gaslighting" in therapy discussions and its true meaning in psychological contexts.

Gaslighting is a commonly misused therapy buzzword. Here’s what it really means

Alleged text exchanges between actor Jonah Hill and his former girlfriend, surfer Sarah Brady, have sparked conversation about the potential harms of therapy speak when misused and the concept of “gaslighting” — a popular buzzword among those in the mental health community and its enthusiasts.

Gaslighting is so commonly discussed that Merriam-Webster deemed the expression its word of the year in 2022, after experiencing a 1,740% increase in searches for the term. But experts say there are a lot of misconceptions around what gaslighting is and isn’t.

“When we’re challenged or confronted or told, ‘Hey, I remember this differently,’ we might think we’re being gaslit, when actually we’re being confronted on a behavior and asked to change it — as opposed to being told that we’re bad or that we don’t remember things correctly or that we’re emotionally unstable,” said Vanessa Kennedy, director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery, a residential rehabilitation center in Texas.

Gaslighting is actually “a highly calculating form of manipulation — which involves the destabilization — of one individual by another over a protracted period of time,” Vermani said.

“Most commonly, gaslighting — also referred to as coercive control — is carried out by someone in a position of trust who is in close contact with the target,” she added. “It is a complex and usually deliberate means of intentionally controlling an individual, which is carried out over an extended period of time.”

Since “close contact is key here,” Vermani added, the person gaslighting is often a romantic partner, an intimate friend or family member, or a close colleague.

Someone who gaslights another person destabilizes and controls them by attacking their faculties to make the victim think their emotional stability, credibility or memory is flawed — thereby making the victim distrust themselves and rely more on the person who’s gaslighting them, Kennedy said. Gaslighting also helps the perpetrator avoid any blame or responsibility for their actions.

Signs you’re being gaslit

There are other common misconceptions about the nature of gaslighting, experts said. If a loved one disagrees with you or tries to change your mind, prefers to be “right” in an argument, or acts surprised when confronted — that’s not necessarily gaslighting. Neither is someone trying to minimize their hurtful behavior or cast doubt on your opinions or perspectives, Vermani said.

Gaslighters “are typically emotionally abusive people — often with low self-esteem — who wish to control others rather than engage in mutually respectful relationships that require consideration, empathy, compassion and kindness,” Vermani said. “They seek ways to undermine and overpower someone they fear losing, regardless of the damage to their target.”

Not all gaslighting is intentional, as some people grow up witnessing these patterns and subconsciously adopt them as a coping mechanism or conflict resolution method, experts said.

But generally, gaslighters often “intentionally lie and deceive to confuse their target,” Vermani said, or deny their own lies or their target’s truth, “even in the face of evidence to the contrary.”

Gaslighters often isolate targets from their social circles by insinuating their friends don’t have their best interests in mind to weaken their sense of reality and self, experts said.

Confronting the problem

If you feel safe enough to confront the person who might be gaslighting you, first focus on setting boundaries with them, experts said. It might be helpful to share your detailed experience of their behavior rather than simply telling them, “I feel like you’re gaslighting me.”

Additionally, “you might end the conversation or disengage and say, ‘I’m not going to engage in this type of conversation anymore. I know what I saw,’” Kennedy said.

If the gaslighter is someone very close to you, you can also suggest doing counseling or therapy together, she added.

If the behavior persists, how long you stay in the relationship is a personal decision, Kennedy said. You could give the person a specific time frame within which you’d like to see changes in their behavior, after which you would re-evaluate.

But at any rate, you have to decide what the emotional toll is that it’s taking on you and your self-esteem,” Kennedy said. “Sometimes it’s not safe to approach the gaslighter in the relationship, and it’s safer to leave altogether.”

Getting help can be necessary if you’re struggling relationship with a gaslighter or with the trauma gaslighting can cause.

“Seek the support of people you trust — often people who know that you are in a difficult situation and who have been standing on the sidelines, waiting to offer you help,” Vermani said.

Talking to a therapist can help you get an objective perspective and see more clearly any signs of gaslighting behavior and psychological abuse, Kennedy said.